At this point, if you’ve been following along, you know enough of my story to know I used to be “skinny” until I wasn’t. I gained just over 60lbs going from 115lbs to 179lbs over the course of two years. While I fully admit the 115 was a negative extreme, 179 me really, really REALLY wanted to lose weight. So much so that I resorted to dumb extremes. So, without further ado, here’s so idiotic things I did to lose weight. May you learn from my mistakes and never do them.

Thermogenics

This one I actually haven’t done because lol we all know diet pills don’t work, right? These pills are the Hydroxycuts of the world that claim to make you lose weight by suppressing your appetite, giving you more energy, and turning up your body heat to make it burn more calories. Their actual effect is a racing heart and probably pooping a lil extra if you’re a caffeine induced pooper. Not worth the money even if the money is $5.

Cleanses

Ahhh, cleanses. My how many of you I have participated in. I want to be clear: I have never once thought I actually needed to cleanse my body. I have always been very aware of what a cleanse does which is: make you poop. Most contain two main ingredients: fiber and senna. Fiber can help regulate your digestive system but can also make you poop in large quantities. Senna is a laxative that irritates the lining of your intestines to make you poop. The fun part of senna is by the fourth day you can feel the burn in your intestine and each poop feels like you’re dying. I mean, I’ve heard. I’ve never like, pooped or anything.

CLA

Well when you’re tired of pooping yourself to death and you wouldn’t, lol, take “diet pills” or anything, you make come across something called “CLA” while googling “lose weight fast.” I actually can’t even remember what sounded so good about this that possessed me to buy two 180 serving bottles so I googled it. The claim is it decreases body fat while increasing lean muscle mass. Studies show it actually increases fatty tissue around your heart. So, yeah, no CLA.

L-Carnitine

I was told to take this with the CLA to make the CLA digest faster. I don’t know. Sounds like a way for someone to make money to me.

Frankenstein Versions of Real Food

Finally, at one point in my life I bought this stupid powdered chocolate peanut butter instead of just buying some damn peanut butter and eating it in moderation. Don’t treat yourself like you’re not worthy of Jif Creamy because baby you ARE!